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The Hidden Weight: Navigating Loneliness as an HR Leader

Writer's picture: Renee ConklinRenee Conklin

Have you ever sat in a team lunch, smiling and making small talk, while carrying the weight of knowing half the department will be impacted by next month's restructuring? Or attended a leadership meeting where colleagues freely share their frustrations about compensation, while you sit silently holding knowledge of the upcoming salary review? I certainly have.


This is the unique burden of being an HR leader. You are simultaneously part of the organization and separate from it. It's a position that can feel incredibly isolating, yet this aspect of our role is rarely discussed.


As a former Head of HR who spent 15 years navigating these waters at companies like IBM, UBS, and Barclays, I totally understand this challenge. You're the keeper of the organization's most sensitive information: who's being promoted, who's being let go, who's considered high potential, who's struggling with performance issues. You know the real reasons behind organizational changes, the true story behind sudden departures, and the complex dynamics shaping company decisions.


Yet you must carry this knowledge with practiced neutrality. You maintain your poker face during hallway conversations about the "surprise" announcement you've spent months preparing. You listen supportively to a team member's career aspirations while knowing they've been marked for redundancy. You hold space for others' emotions while carefully containing your own.


This professional distance is necessary – it's part of what makes us effective HR leaders. But it comes at a personal cost. The constant vigilance around confidentiality can create invisible barriers between you and your colleagues. The need to maintain neutrality can leave you feeling like you don't have a safe space to process your own reactions to difficult situations.


I remember more than one occasion where I would come home and cry to my husband in frustration, unable to talk to anyone else about the employee investigation I disagreed with or the termination I thought was unfair. The irony isn't lost on me. We're the people who champion psychological safety, who create programs to foster connection and belonging, who counsel others through their professional challenges. Yet we often find ourselves without similar support systems in our own roles.


So how can you navigate this inherent loneliness of HR leadership?


First, acknowledge that feeling isolated doesn't mean you're doing something wrong – it's a natural consequence of the unique position we hold. The weight you're carrying is real, and it's okay to find it heavy sometimes. Journaling can be a useful tool to help you move these feelings out of your head and onto paper. Just the act of writing them down can take away their heaviness.

 

Second, build a strong support network outside of your organization and immediate HR team. This might include:

·       A trusted mentor who understands the complexities of HR leadership

·       A professional coach who can provide a confidential space to process emotions

·       HR peers in other organizations who are also living your reality


Finally, remember that while confidentiality is crucial, self-care isn't selfish. Just as we advise others to seek support when needed, we must give ourselves permission to do the same. When the clock hits 7pm, peel yourself away from your desk and make yourself go to those HR networking drinks. When things feel like they are too much, turn off your computer and do something that gives you joy, like taking a walk, hitting the gym, cooking or reading.


If you're feeling the weight of isolation in your HR role, know that you're not alone. I hear from many of my clients that they are navigating this same challenge daily. Sometimes, the first step toward feeling less lonely is simply realizing that other HR leaders around you are feeling the same way. Book in for a confidential call if you need some support.


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I work with female senior leaders in Human Resources who feel stuck to help them love their work or find work they love. Like this newsletter? Please sign-up, share + follow me if you found this interesting. I write about:


👂 Executive & career coaching

📄 Career development and career transition

🎯 Job search strategy


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